is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They took my balls.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
