dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
