You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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