You're my little dorito
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
