Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
