You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
