you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
