i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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