my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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