i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
