I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have feelings that need drinking.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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