there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
