so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
