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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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