remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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