i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
