I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
