The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
