we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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