i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
