bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
