Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
