I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
