I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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