Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have aggressive nipples.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
