I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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