This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
