Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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