Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My vagina is officially offended.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
