I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
