so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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