you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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