he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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