He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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