i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
