i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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