this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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