I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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