the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
