The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
