Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
