You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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