Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
