saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
