I can text with my tongue
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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