I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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