we're chasing vodka with high fives
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
