I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
did i walk over a car last night?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
