god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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