Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
