sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
