my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
