I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
