he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
