the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
