I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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