Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize