I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
