I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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